When Coaching Work is Just Another Way to Avoid a Decision

Jan 31

During Law School, I did an exchange program at the Faculty of Law at Hong Kong University. And by “program”, I mean, I mostly travelled to other places in Asia when I was supposed to be in class (Note: I wasn’t the only one who did this. Actually, I am fairly certain everyone did this. But, I digress).

One of the places I visited was Thailand. And while I was there, exploring countless wats, monasteries and other spiritual attractions, I went to see a fortune teller.

It was a combination of palm reading and numerology. I won’t bore you with what the fortune teller told me. But, I do have the original, handwritten notes he made that day, and, I have looked at them many times over the 20 or so years since that reading.

And, much like the day I received his predictions, each time I read them, I am reminded that I didn’t go to see him because I believed in fortune tellers, or palmistry, or numerology.

I went because I didn’t want to decide.

What I was hoping for was the ability to know something that, by all rights, I shouldn’t. To have certainty about the future. To effectively guarantee that, no matter what questions I had about what to do next, my decision didn’t really matter because - it was written in the stars. Or on my hand. Or in the crystal ball.

I didn’t need to make any decision at all because the decision had already been made for me.

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t believe in anything beyond us. And, sure - some people may have a gift or intuition that lets them connect to something greater than us.

But - and this is an important but - relying on a fortune teller to give us an answer - any answer - can likely be chalked up to a) something that is unanswerable or b) making a decision to not do the work that has to be done to get the answer you are seeking.

It’s a shortcut. A mirage.

No, not the Mitsubishi vehicle.

I am talking about the appearance of water on the horizon in the desert.

A mirage is an optical illusion that forms from two different air densities refracting light in different ways. Due to the disproportionate temperature difference between the ground and the atmosphere above, you’re most likely to see a mirage over scorching surfaces, like desert sand, a highway, or a sidewalk.

Mirages are dangerous - if you see something that looks like a pool of water in the desert, and you just happen to be dying of thirst, well, you are going to go towards that mirage and end up not only disappointed, but probably, even thirstier (or dead-er).

Case in point - Bugs Bunny in “Sahara Hare”:

Mirages are dangerous not for what they are, but for what they are not. Which is to say - real.

Like (most) fortunes told.

And, like many shortcuts.

Over the past year or so, I’ve met lots of folks who are looking for shortcuts. And those shortcuts, rarely if ever, work out.

And, its important to say outright - sometimes, coaching doesn’t fail because it doesn’t work.

It fails because it’s being used as a delay tactic. There are two primary cases where this happens:

They Want a Fortune Teller

Sometimes, they come to me for answers. Answers which, they almost certainly already know, I can’t actually give them. For starters, I probably don’t know the answer - and, even if I did - would it actually be in their best interests to just give it to them?

And, so, we’ll have the introductory call, we’ll make a plan, I’ll explain my fee structure and how my programs work.

And then, it’s time to book the first session.

But, the client is nowhere to be found.

I simply acknowledge that absent some life changing circumstance that precludes them from going forward, they aren’t ready to work hard enough to get the answer they are looking for.

They Have a Crystal Ball, but Don’t Like What it’s Telling Them

At other times, we’ll already be working together. But, there is just one thing that keeps coming back up - and the person I’m working with simply won’t use their best effort to address it - to take the steps that they are being called to do in our work together - in order to obtain the benefit and make the change that they not only want, but know, they will have if they just “do the thing”.

And, so, we talk about it again. And again. And again.

In both cases, the move is the same: letting someone else hold the question so I don’t have to answer it.

Now, let me be clear: both situations are OK. They are totally OK.

I attribute no blame to the people who find themselves in one of these patterns. I know how difficult and how costly (both time- and resource-wise) it can be to change and to take on the work required to effect lasting, meaningful development.

The truth is - it’s really hard for me to do this kind of work well with people who don’t want to work hard at it. Nothing in life worth having is easy, and if you are looking for an answer that has been eluding you for some time, well - it’s likely going to take some hard, uncomfortable and potentially long-term work.

So, what’s my point here?

Whether you are working with or want to work with a coach, therapist or any other person who is ostensibly going to help you navigate a change that you want to make in your work, life, or being, ask yourself: “What decision are you hoping someone else will make for you?”

Sometimes coaching, like fortune telling, becomes a way to delay choosing - dressed up as wisdom. Most of us already know the answer. The real question is whether we’re ready to live with it.

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