The Caterpillar Who Wanted to Be a Squirrel

Welcome to My Musings. Where I share insights that have impacted me, thoughts on personal growth, and actionable strategies to help you navigate career and life.

Image courtesy ChatGPT.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve had hundreds of conversations.

No, not just your run of the mill chats.

Specific, directed conversations.

With lawyers. With professionals. With creatives. And with other people who don’t fit so neatly into any one container (although, really, who does?).

And, in many cases, I’ve recorded these conversations. Or at least had them transcribed. I really don’t enjoy watching myself speak - but - I always knew there might be something in these conversations that I would want to revisit in the future.

So, when I thought recently to spend some time with all my conversations and figure out the golden thread that runs through all of them, I did what any other normal, sane person would do.

I ran them through ChatGPT.

And yes, that is a bit of a cop out, I know.

But, what it came back with not only confirmed what I suspected, but also, put it in terms that I honestly wouldn’t have come up with myself:

“I’m tired of who I’ve been, and, I’m scared to meet who I might become.”

The first part is easy to understand: I’ve had enough of the status quo and something needs to change.

But the part about being scared? Seems more less simple to me. It’s loaded. With the following forked question: Are you scared of -

• Who you’ll become? Or,

• The process of becoming?

Based on my understanding of the people I’ve spoken with (and, no, not ChatGPT’s take on it), I think - it’s both.

Who You’ll Be if You Change

A better version of your current self? A success? A person who is fully stepping into who they actually are?

This is something that I saw in a friend of mine once. This fear that, if they just accepted that they were really not the Wall Street lawyer they had built themselves up to be over the years, that everything would fall apart. And that, if they were to allow things to unfold so that they were stepping into more of their honest self, that they’d be not only frightened of what they’d find there, but also that they might be - and this is crazy - actually happy.

And I don’t mean “state of ecstasy, floating on air, enlightenment-level” happy. I mean, satisfied. Content. Life would still have its ups and downs, of course. But, they would be less subservient to the temperamental swings of life when you know, deep down, that you are not really putting your talents to their best use.

And, that honestly scared her.

There is something about coming to the truth of things that can be terrifying. Maybe it has to do with letting down the guard of denial that has been built up over so much time. Maybe it has to do with the sense that, if I let go, what else will I drop? What if I need that?

But, that’s not all.

What You Need to Do to Change

Then, there’s the actual work. The stuff you need to do in order to be the changed person. But, how can you know what’s necessary to do if you don’t yet know your destination - who you’re going to become? And, what if you start on that process and at some point realize, “Wait - I don’t want to keep going here - I now want to change into something else!”

This is like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly and deciding part way through it’s process in the chrysalis (which applies to caterpillars. Cocoons apply to moths. But I digress…) that it now wants to be a squirrel instead.

Notwithstanding that this would be genetically and evolutionarily impossible (a topic for another post), indulge me for a minute. This would be terrifying for the caterpillar and would require an immense amount of work above and beyond what it is already doing to become a butterfly.

But - would it be worth it?

You Can’t Know What will Happen

Here’s the sad truth - you just can’t know. The caterpillar will never know whether it was worth it to try to become a squirrel until it actually did what was needed to become a squirrel.

And, back on planet earth:

1. the banker who doesn’t know whether it’s worthwhile to try to become a full time artist will never know unless she does what’s needed to get closer to that outcome.

2. the athlete who doesn’t know whether it’s worthwhile to try to become a doctor will never know unless he does what’s needed to get closer to that goal.

3. the speechwriter who doesn’t know whether it’s worthwhile to get on the mic (instead of “behind” it) will never know unless he does what’s needed to get closer to that goal.

Even Ms. Clio (R.I.P.) has no idea.

The point being - the mystery doesn’t go away.

I would actually argue, though, that the uncertainty around not only the path but also the outcome is the exact thing to not only emphasize but embrace when the itch to change shows up.

To back to our friend, the caterpillar - it doesn’t think about becoming a butterfly. It just follows it’s instinct to build a chrysalis, get inside, and wait for what might - or might not - happen.

And, while us humans might not have the benefit of being less evolved (and therefore, being able to ignore the existential quandaries of major life changes), we can still choose (with difficulty, no doubt) to pursue the following course (in this order):

Instinct. Action. Outcome. Acceptance. Repeat.

Questions to End On

Returning to our original maxim: “I’m tired of who I’ve been, and, I’m scared to meet who I might become."

There are a lot of questions behind this. Questions like:

1. What’s wrong with me?

2. What if I make the wrong move?

3. Why can’t I let go?

4. Why do I care so much what others might think of this choice?

I will, at some point, get into these more in subsequent posts. Maybe I’ll even do a series of interviews on this. Who knows.

But, for the time being, I would offer that each of these can be reframed as follows:

1. What about me am I holding back from the world?

2. What if I were to accept, now, whatever outcome results and decide again later?

3. What will I lose if I don’t let go?

4. How do I feel about myself if I don’t make this choice?

Thoughts? Tell me below.